I know it’s been a while since I posted. I’m sorry. I have a hard time writing when I’m stressed and boy have I been stressed.
Let me just tell you about it because I just feel like I need to get it all off my chest.
2021 has been a real shitty year so far. First I had a bit of a falling out with a couple family members. It’s been patched up now but there were things that were said that, if I’m being honest, really really hurt. Then of course my final semester of Paralegals studies started and I am really feeling the pressure. It all comes down to this. I’ll be thrust out into to the real world of law once this semester is over and I’m terrified. School has always been one of those things that has stressed me out because I want to do well, of course. I want to prove to myself and others that I can do it, that I’m competent and capable. Studying law and all it’s procedures is hard. Especially when you have no prior knowledge of how it all works. I’ve learned a lot in the last two years but I feel like it’s not enough, or actually too much. I know once I get a job I’ll get the training and fall into a rhythm and I’ll get used to it but I’m still nervous.
Then last month I lost my job. I was told it was because of Covid and how they had to restructure some things and my position had to be eliminated. I get it but it sucks. I’ve been sitting at home all day, every day because I don’t have any money to do anything. I feel restless. I feel like I’m not doing enough to contribute to the household. I study, I clean, I cook and I do whatever else needs to be done but I feel guilty about being home all the time while my husband works and my kids are at school and daycare. I’ve been applying at jobs and I’ve had two interviews so far but nothing has stuck. I tried filing for unemployment benefits but for some reason got denied. I feel stuck. I also feel lonely.
My depression has been really hard on me lately thanks to all the negativity I’ve been experiencing lately. I had plans to go visit my family in Texas over spring break but due to not having a job I can no longer afford to. I was really looking forward to that trip because I felt like it would have been really good for my mental health. To just get away for a while and not have to think about not having a job or school or being stuck in my apartment. I also haven’t gotten to see my new nephew in person yet and was really wanting to hold him. I know there will be other opportunities but it’s still a blow to my mental state.
Sometimes it feels like I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like I keep getting pushed down every time I get back up. I’ve had disappointment after disappointment. I’ve had my goals used against me to make me feel like a bad mother. I’ve been told I’m a narcissist. I’ve had some health issues. I have had some family members have health issues. I worry constantly and feel completely helpless.
I’ve had a lot of down time to think. It hasn’t always been productive. I’ve had many instances where I just wanted to give up and shut everyone and everything out. I’ve had moments of self pity and just sitting around staring at the wall because there was no motivation to do anything. I’ve had days that were lost to sleeping because I just wanted to escape somehow, some way. I just feel like I’m just here. Just floating in nothing. No purpose. No reason.
I have finally come out of the fog and I feel a lot better today. I know that it may not last long so I wanted to write this before it goes south again. I needed to write this, if anything just to rid myself of it. I miss writing and I know it’s something I want to do with my time on Earth so I need to push myself. For my own sake. I need to give myself purpose, since it’s not coming from anywhere else. I hope that by writing this blog post I can get back into the swing of things. I have made a plan to write at least 1000 words a day until I get back to work. Maybe I can make a habit of it and things will start moving again. I don’t know how often I’ll post on the blog but I want to get back at it. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and I need to get them out and stop holding on to them. My hope is that someone will read these words and not feel alone. I hope someone can identify with what I say and know they too can pull themselves out of their fog and do what they love again.
I recently saw a TikTok that said that the past you and the future you don’t exist. If you shave everything down and just focus on who you are right now you might find that life is a little bit easier to manage. It’s very true but easier said than done. I have a hard time just living the life I’m in right now. I always look to the future and that’s my biggest issue. I keep looking and thinking about what comes next and not enjoying what I have going on right now. I don’t know why I do this. I’m trying to figure it out. Maybe this year is hard because I now know what I need to fix and the universe is pushing me a little harder to fix it.