My First Marriage

As I have said in a previous post I was married before I met my husband. When I was 16 years old I met a guy through work. We worked together for a year before he asked me out. He wasn’t really my type, I didn’t find him attractive but he was nice.

Our first date was kind of a disaster. He took me ice skating, which I had never done before. I hated it. I was so bad at it and I was so afraid to fall on the ice that I wanted to leave. So we went to a movie instead. We hung out a few times after that and I realized how nice he was. He never pressured me into doing things I didn’t want to do, he didn’t care about drama and he always had a good attitude. So when a few weeks of hanging out had passed he asked me to be his girlfriend. After realizing that I didn’t want to spend time with anyone else I said yes.

We had been dating for about 6 months when my dad decided he wanted to move back to Texas. I was 17 at the time so I couldn’t stay by myself in Oklahoma. I couldn’t afford it. So I had to move with my family back to Texas, where I’m originally from. My dad had gotten a job in Oklahoma which is how we got there in the first place. I moved to Texas and we were apart for 3 months. He got laid off from his job and moved to Texas to be with me. He lived in the extra room in our house.

We celebrated our one year anniversary and he had gotten a job in Texas. Everything seemed like it was going well. Then he started to get really homesick and it had made him sulky and moody. He was in a bad mood most of the time and would complain about everything. He disliked my siblings and hated his job. He didn’t have any friends and wasn’t willing to make any. He didn’t want anything to do with my friends. So after a few months of him being so agitated and cranky all the time I started to not want to be around him. I also happened to meet a guy around this time who was interested in me. Well I thought he was interested. I think he was more interested in breaking me and my boyfriend up than being with me. Anyway, I ended things with my boyfriend and he moved back to Oklahoma. I pursued a relationship with the new guy but it didn’t work out. It was over after two weeks.

A month after breaking up I really missed my ex. So I texted him and told him I still loved him and that I wanted to get back together. He told me the only way he would get back together is if I moved to Oklahoma for him, he wasn’t moving back to Texas. I couldn’t blame him so I agreed. Three months later I was living in Oklahoma in his mom’s house.

Shortly after our 2 year anniversary we got married. I was 19. I married him because I thought we had been through it all and that there was no one else I could possibly want to be with. I thought I had found the one. I still wasn’t that attracted to him and since we had gotten back together he had become a little extra possessive of me, but I didn’t think those things mattered. I loved him for who he was, why did it matter if I found him attractive? In hindsight I realized that being attracted to your spouse is very important.

After we got married the possessiveness intensified. I couldn’t go anywhere without a hundred questions. “Where are you going? Who are you going with? Who’s going to be there? How long are you going to be gone?” At first I thought he was just concerned and that all husbands had a right to know these things. Little did I know he was not just concerned, he wanted to make sure that I wasn’t hanging out with any guys.

There were things my first marriage that just weren’t right. He was very controlling. He was so hurt by the fact that we had broken up and that I had started dating someone else so quickly. He had very low self esteem about himself, he knew he wasn’t the best looking guy. He was always saying he would never find another girl as pretty as me. He was so scared of losing me to another guy he would never let me go anywhere he knew that other guys would be. He would always go with me to make sure that no guys would hit on me. I loved to go out dancing. He hated it but he didn’t trust me to go out with my girlfriends so he would tag along. He never understood that I loved him and that I was completely content to be with him. I wasn’t looking for anyone else and I didn’t let other guys try anything. He always thought I was trying to make him look stupid. He would yell at me and belittle me, trying to make me be subservient to him. He didn’t like the way I talked so he would make me change it. He didn’t like certain friends of mine so he would try to convince me to stop hanging out with them.

I had had a movie night our house one night and I had invited my girlfriends over. He was going out with his friends. After he had already left one of my friends showed up and brought her boyfriend. This did not bother me. Later when he came home, however, he was not happy when he found out. He was furious that another man was in his house when he wasn’t there. Never mind the fact that there were 5 other women in the house besides me and his girlfriend had sat beside him the whole time. He yelled at me and was mad for days.

I wanted to have dinner with a couple classmates from my Comp. 1 class and one was a guy. I lied to my husband and told him it was two girls so he wouldn’t make a big deal about it, because it wasn’t a big deal. He found out and threatened to divorce me if I went to dinner with these two people.

We got a dart board for Christmas one year and I had never played before. He tried to teach me but I failed miserably at it. I thought it was funny and just laughed at myself. He got angry that I wasn’t taking it seriously and yelled at me until I got it right. He made me cry.

I had a bag full of clothes in my trunk that I was supposed to take to Goodwill that rode around with me for weeks because I had forgotten about it. When he opened my trunk and saw it still in there he yelled at me for being forgetful. He belittled, me calling me a child for not being able to handle one simple task.

We went with friends to an indoor shooting range to shoot our handgun and it kept jamming on me. It was a malfunction of the gun, it wasn’t my fault. He yelled at me in front of our friends because he thought it was.

I made him so mad one time, I don’t even remember why, but he punched a whole in our wall. He constantly got on to me about every little thing, if I didn’t do what he expected of me. I was never allowed to hang out with other guys, unless he was with me. He was punishing me for breaking up with him and being with someone else. He kept saying, “I won’t let that shit happen again.” or “I have something that other guys want. That makes me feel good.” He would stalk my Facebook to make sure I wasn’t talking to any guys on there. He was completely controlling.

I was so scared of him, I never knew what he would do or how he would react. When I finally decided to leave him I had to sneak out of the house. I called into work one day, we worked at the same place so I had to pretend that I was driving to work but I turned around and drove home. I packed all my stuff and had a friend help me get it all out. She let me stay at her house and I went to the bank to separate our money. When he got home and realized what had happened he called me. I went back to the house and told him I was going to live with my friend and that I wasn’t coming back. He was surprisingly calm and I left without being hurt.

The next day he came over to talk to me. He said he knew why I left. That his attitude had been horrible and that he hadn’t treated me like he should. He apologized and asked me to give him another chance. I agreed. I moved back in with him for a week. After that I couldn’t do it anymore. It was over. I just didn’t love him anymore. At this point I had already met someone, (my current husband) and I realized that I was starting to have feelings for him. I left and he had my debit card canceled.

I had no money. My friend took me back in but I had no money. I had to get my paycheck redirected to another bank account and I had to fight with him to give me my half of the money. In the end he got most of our savings but I finally got what I had wanted all along: freedom. I was finally free from him and his controlling, manipulative ways. I no longer had to look over my shoulder constantly. I didn’t have to worry about every decision I made. I didn’t have to worry about getting hit. He had broken a few things in our marriage, my spirit included but thankfully he hadn’t hit me yet. I always felt like it was coming.

I knew that if we had had children together I would have been stuck with him and I couldn’t let that happen. Our divorce was final a month before our second anniversary. I know that at 19 I wasn’t fully mature enough to handle such a serious relationship. I did want to go out and have fun with my friends, I didn’t want to keep up a house and make dinner for my husband. I just wanted to be a normal young adult. I didn’t want to go out with other guys, I was content in my marriage. It was his low self esteem and need to keep me under his thumb that drove me away. He was so afraid of losing me that instead of just being sweet and fun, he wanted me to fit the mold he had fixed in his head. He wanted me all to himself and wasn’t going to let anyone get to me.

I’m so glad I was able to get away. Yes I have struggled financially since leaving him, I never had to worry about money when I was married to him. I didn’t care about that, however. I was free to be myself and free to be with someone who loved me for who I am and not who he wanted me to be.

My husband now is the best thing to ever happen to me. He has given me two beautiful boys who are just as sweet as he is. He’s taught me that I can be flawed and irrational and emotional and he will still love me. I don’t have to lie to him and I don’t have to worry about him ever hurting me. I feel like this post is a little all over the place but it feels good to get it all out. When you go through a divorce there are people on two different side who have their opinions, but they don’t know the whole story. I didn’t handle things in the most mature way but I should never have married him in the first place. I’m just glad I didn’t let that relationship continue. I am now happier than I’ve ever been.

6 Comments

  1. Cadie, how brave of you to share your story. A lot of it resonates deeply with me – I can really relate. I’m thankful you have found your way out of your first marriage, away from the abuse, and have now rebuilt your life with a good man. You were so young when you were captured by the controlling behaviours of your ex-husband; I have to applaud your courage in picking yourself up and leaving him sooner than later. I wish you a very happy married life and family life with your husband and children. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was in a similar tough relationship but, I stayed long enough for the hitting to start. I also had to sneak out to end it. I’m so happy you were able to get out safely & that you’ve found someone so much better for you. Thanks for sharing your story with us. 💟

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s